she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
