the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize