Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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