ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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