So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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