So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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