I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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