im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
