Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
