I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
