the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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