that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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