So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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