i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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