that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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