rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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