Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you guys were way drunker than both of me
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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