Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
