I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We got so high we made milksteak
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
