Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
