dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
