Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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