We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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