you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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