Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize