My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize