my text book just quoted the cookie monster
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Randomize
