As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
