mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
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