my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
