and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
