Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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