how can u be prego again
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
