it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
