i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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