mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
