Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
