my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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