Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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