Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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