I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
