thus making me awesome and them whores
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
