Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
