Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
