it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
