i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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