I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
