So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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