there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
