you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
