me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
