I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she peed on how many people?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
