he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
