Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
