1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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