this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
