Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
