I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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