I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
