I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
