nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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