Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I am available for nakedness
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
