I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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