hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
