Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
