hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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